A long, long time ago

Wow, its been a really long time since I last blogged here. Its been a whole summer. I am now over twice as far in my treatment than when I last blogged. My side effects remain pretty minimal comparatively. I am "the healthiest looking cancer patient" most of my friends have ever seen. I haven't lost any additional weight that I didn't quickly regain. My current weight hovers around 154-156 pounds. Not the best, but not bad for a woman who is 5'7" tall. I still see my reiki guy/counselor every other week, though during the summer I did have to spread those out some due to finances. I see my chiropractor at least every other week. My lower back and right shoulder and hip could tolerate no less than that. I visit my acupuncturist about every 3 weeks now. I wish I could go more often, but I can't afford it. I get chemo and labs every 3 weeks. Sometimes I have to have my blood drawn more often to check certain levels. I've been on antibiotics more than a few times since I started chemo. Overall, my diet isn't as great as it should be, nor is it as bad as the average american's. I drink plenty of water. I take probiotics and turmeric daily. Unfortunately, I also usually take prescription pain medicine daily. I use anti-nausea meds only when teas, ginger and homeopathics don't help.
Tomorrow, I am finally going to see a wound care specialist to address the lack of healing on the wound covering most of my left chest. This is the wound which developed, on its own, a couple of months before I began chemotherapy. I have treated it previously with raw honey dressings, coconut oil with herbs infused into it and coconut oil with essetial oils. I have tried a couple of conventional methods suggested by the surgeon I saw for a consult including silvadene cream and antibiotic ointment. Both of which made my wound either stick to the dressing terribly or made it worse. Eventually the honey began to cause too much pain during the healing, so I have stuck with my coconut oil regimen since a couple of months ago. I find the coconut oil with essential oils yields the best results, Other than when my white blood cell counts dropped drastically after my chemo treatment 3 weeks ago, I have kept skin infections at bay so far.
My emotional healing is probably the biggest and most effective part of what has occurred. I still have a long way to go. I don't even think the Dalai Lama feels like he'll ever be finished growing emotionally and spiritually until he dies, and I certainly don't claim to be even half as enlightened as he is. Also, there is still anger and bitterness I am struggling to release, expectations of myself and others that I need to let go of and much I have yet to learn and/or completely embrace. Despite the distance I still need to go, I have come so far already and am a much different person in most aspects of my life and most relationships than I was over 3 years ago when I unconsciously allowed myself to have cancer in order to start on the path I am on now.
There are a few things that I really have found very difficult to make habit and those are meditation, including daily centering of myself and connecting with guides and angels, putting myself first and setting limits on others' expectations of me. These need to become an ingrained and natural part of my life, yet they have not. One day, I am confident they will be, but I believe it may be a little ways off. It is so far away from my nature to do these things and, especially being the mother of several small children still, its a hard thing to do, while still seeing yourself as an adequate and involved parent. My children will not always be small, so this is the reason I know that one dy I will achieve these goals.
While I do not profess to be some shining example of how everyone should be, especially since everyone has their own path and things they should be learning and experiencing in this lifetime, I do hope to one day be an example to others around me of how to conquer fears and overcome obstacles in one's life. Recently, I heard a saying, on a home improvement show, of all places, and I shared it with some friends who found it inspiring as well. The saying is "Today is a good day for a good day". It simply means that your attitude sets the tone and you can decide that any day, no matter how badly things might be going on that day, can be a good day. I hope you all have a good day because today really is a good day for a good day.

Chemo is the way to go?

After 2 1/2 years of using natural methods to control my cancer and rid my body of the unnatural cells growing within me, something changed. My tumor was smaller, but the skin on my chest began to break down and open up. I was no longer as steadfast in my herbal medicine taking as I once has been. My regimen often took a backseat to stress and bad eating habits and I was once again putting other people's needs before my own.
As a result, my body changed, and not for the better. Seeing this, I decided to visit an oncologist, just to get more information and an idea of what they would recommend. I needed more information so I could make an informed decision about whether or not to try any conventional therapies.
The first oncologist I saw was recommended to me by a couple of people I knew through various channels. They were acquaintances, not friends, but they knew what my situation had been the previous couple of years and they knew of my decisions not to do conventional cancer treatments before this time. My first visit with him was pretty good, He was kind and encouraging. He wasn't pushy. He wanted to do some tests. I agreed to some of them, but not to others and so at the second visit with him, he was not as pleasant. He seemed angry that I wanted information and that I would not be pushed into making a decision quickly simply because he wanted me to do it.
I wanted to know about surgery as an option and he, hesitantly, referred me to a surgeon for a consult. I decided I did not trust what information he had passed on to this surgeon about me (such as me being an obstinate patient or something) so I visited my naturopathic physician again and spoke with her about surgery. She referred me to a doctor that was not completly on board with all I had done, but she was non-judgmental about it. She ran some tests that showed that surgery was not an option. She referred me to a different oncologist.
After meeting with this oncologist and also another natural doctor who had numerous non-chemotherapy methods of cancer treatment as well as one low dose chemo method, I wrestled with the decision over staying with natural methods or going partially or completely conventional. Finally, after much thought and making the decision some what (sadly) for financial reasons, I chose to go with conventional chemotherapy and targeted therapies, supporting that with continued visits to my reiki practitioner and counselor, my acupuncturist and my chiropractor. I also stayed on some herbal and vitamin therapies which were not contraindicated nor would add to the negative effects of the medicines (like blood thining).
I have now had 2 chemo infusions and will go for my third next week. I lost most of my hair very early on and am embracing the bald look (because you can't steal my pretty). I have suffered a few infections and have been on antibiotics most of the time since I started the therapy. My white blood cell counts do not bounce back well. I have pain associated with the cancer and occasional mild nausea. I have lost 10 pounds so far and have kept that off. Everything tastes funny and I usually don't have much of an appetite (who wants to eat when everything tastes like metal anyway?). Other than that (and all of that is pretty mild compared to what many people go through), I have been doing pretty well. I still take my kids to school nearly every day and pick them up from school. I am at the dance studio most of the week and manage to stay on top of everything with the competitive dance group. I look forward to starting costume making again for the ballet company for Nutcracker later this year. I made costumes for my oldest daughter's dance piece for the 8 girls in it without any help from anyone. I drive myself to most of my appointments, even when my husband stays home to watch the 2 youngest kids. I look forward to having a moment to breath during the summer.
I am still fundraising to try and manage the costs of the medications and treatments so that we don't go bankrupt before reaching our out of pocket maximum with our insurance. I look forward to a future without cancer cells in my body and without chemotherapy drugs flowing through my veins. I yearn for a day when my chest port will no longer be needed and can be removed. I still think I'm going to live to be 103. Jiminy Cricket couldn't have been wrong. Positivity says so. Love and light to you all.

Starting over

A couple of years ago, I started this blog to talk about my journey through cancer because I wanted to talk about it, taking others with me through the process, especially since my process was so drastically different from the one that western medicine pushes on people who think they've just received a death sentence.
Only about a half a year later, I stopped writing my blog. Part of the reason was that I'd been angering some people who were reading things into what I was saying instead of reading what it really said and part of it was because some of my blogs were written with the wrong intents and emotions. Education as to the options available to cancer targets (I choose not to use the word victim) and what my journey involves stopped being my main focus and the anger and bitterness had become such a huge part of my life, and consequently, my blog.
Over two and a half years later, and with a lighter heart, I felt it was time to start again. So, if you're wondering how I got here and want to know the story of how so much in my life has changed, I'm more than happy to share it with you, if you just keep reading future blogs. If you want to know how imperfect my life is, well, you're human, you should know that life, no matter how great it is, is never perfect. This is not an exception in my life.
I welcome you into my life, and my story about how I am healing, with the help of something most people call cancer. All I ask is this :
          that you read with an open mind and open heart
         you have no expectations that my healing can be your healing in exactly the same way (since no two people hurt exactly the same way)
         that you leave this space with positive feelings
If you are not at a place in your life to be able to do those things, I ask that you stay away because you're only hurting yourself.
Peace and blessings be with you and yours. Until next time (which I promise to be soon)...
Namaste

The wisdom of a child knows no end

This will probably be my shortest blog yet and still one of the most powerful.
"I love my life", my five year old just said to me. The universe truly does work in mysterious ways because sometimes the most important messages are those that are brought through your children.
I love my life too, Sophie. I love my crazy, hectic, stressful, busy, funny, consciousness-altering life. I will be eternally thankful to you for reminding me of that.
And thank you, God, for the little blessings my children bestow on me every single day that I wake up and breathe on this earth.

Bounce your boobies, ladies. Its WBW!!!

So this blog is about how I am treading my way through cancer. However, let it be heard loud and clear, I am still a breastfeeding mom. Despite the stupid doctor telling me I'd have to quit nursing (he meant because of the treatments that I'm not taking) and despite some people I know looking at me strangely, I am still breastfeeding my 1 year old son and I will be until he decides to wean himself. So I celebrate World Breastfeeding Week by doing what I have been doing for the last 5+ years. Yes, I have been nursing for a child for over 5 years. My oldest daughter still nurses off and on (mostly off) and of course, there's that one year old kid I already mentioned.
Its weird being a breastfeeding mom with cancer. Its weirder being a cancer target (because I refuse to be labeled "victim") not going through chemo and radiation and surgery and all the other typical BS. Anyhow, there are times when I feel like yelling "Give me a freaking break, I have cancer", but then I worry about the looks I'll get from people who think I must be lying because I was just breastfeeding my baby or the looks from the other people who think I'm crazy for breastfeeding him while I have cancer. Either way, I get the looks.
Of course, I get those looks just for breastfeeding because in this society boobs are seen as being either for sex or as a science experiment for cancer drugs. I tweeted exactly what I believed not too long ago: "Boobs-For Infant and Toddler Use Only". Truthfully, it should have said "For Infant and Children's Use Only" because I am educated enough to know that breastfeeding can safely and intelligently extend beyond the toddler years and into the Pre-K years and maybe beyond. However, that is another topic for another blog.
However, you wish to celebrate and honor it, please do so. World Breastfeeding Week is for all breastfeeding moms, moms who used to breastfeed and those who were breastfed. If you can count to 2,000, you should probably thank your moms boobs for that.
Thanks, Mom, your boobs helped me succeed in life. And thanks, to my littlest one, who is probably the reason I found my cancer when I did.

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

At around 1:30pm the day after my needle biopsy, I received a call from the radiologist. It was definitely cancer. The results would be passed on to the ob/gyn who referred me for the tests and "he will be calling" to discuss my options. This was on a Thursday afternoon. I called my husband, my best friend and my parents to share the news. I spoke to the kids. My oldest daughter said to me "we'll get through this together". I love my kids. My best friend, Sarah, said "I love you". I have the very best friend I could ask for. My parents said they would pray for me. Somebody probably should.
I sat down that evening and wrote an email to the rest of my family and close friends. This might sound odd to some of you that I would tell my family about this news via email, but that's the way we share things. We have a pretty decent sized family and additionally, some of us are out of country and most don't live in the same areas together so its the easiest and best way for us to communicate news to everyone. Doing it the old fashioned way either means I get to make 35 phone calls or it gets played like a bad game of "Telephone" and by the end of it, I don't just have cancer, I died last week and the funeral is Saturday.
Here is that email: (for those who are curious)
Family and friends,

I write to you today to deliver news that some of you don't know, update those who do know and let you all in on my plans for the future. 

This week, I found out that I have breast cancer. This may shock you all, but I am not scared or even that surprised. From the moment I found the lump, I felt that it was cancer. However, this has been a wake-up call for me as to how I need to live out the remainder of my life which, by the way, should be a long time. I am going to see this as positive and take this opportunity to change some things in my life.

I will not be seeking the conventional treatments that most people think of when the word cancer is mentioned: surgery, chemotherapy and/or radiation. 

I know that many of you will not understand why I am not going to attempt any of these and though I could easily point you to hundreds of resources showing why these terribly toxic treatments are not a good idea for anyone, some of you would point to just as many cases of breast cancer survivors who survived chemo and/or surgery and/or radiation. This is not an argument I want to have with anyone though if you can hear my views without judgment, I would be willing to speak with any of you about it. You should know that I completely believe in my body's ability to heal itself, given the chance and support to do so. 

Most of you know that I am not a religious person and haven't been for a very long time. Some of you know, however, that I am very spiritual and have always felt that my life was guided by the universe (or God or whatever you may choose to call it). I have always trusted that I am never given more than I can handle and that every hardship holds a lesson to be learned. I believe that I am always given the tools to handle these hardships and that this time is no different. I realize that we all have different philosophical views and feelings, and we all have fears about certain things. I also understand that some of us have completely opposing viewpoints regarding medicine and alternative therapies. I am not asking you to change your views or to agree with mine. I do not ask that you turn your back on what you trust for yourself. We do not need to agree in order for you to respect my choices. Therefore I simply ask that you send/show your love and support, regardless of your personal feelings about what I am doing with my body. I also ask that if your worries or feelings about this situation alter your ability to remain supportive that you simply follow the old adage "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". 

I firmly believe that my choices in my life have resulted in my cancer, though do not mistake this as me harboring blame (which is just additional negativity that will hurt me). Through the power of the universe, I also fully believe that I have the ability to heal without conventional medicine therapies. Despite all of this, I need to make it abundantly clear that I will have an easier time healing (regardless of the means in which I do so) if I am surrounded by love and support than if I bombarded by further negativity and fear.

Thank you, in advance, for any of concern, thoughts and prayers. I love you all and wish that you go forth with good health of your own. I know that some members of our family have had their own hardships recently and my heart and good wishes are with those of you as you find your own way through troubled waters.

Tana

It'll only hurt for a minute (or a few days)

So I agreed to the needle biopsy and the staff prepped me for it by telling me how much it was going to hurt and how much I would bruise and how local anesthetics would only keep it from hurting "as much". That's soothing and all, of course, but I would have preferred to hear lies, naturally. I prepped myself by allowing my son to eat so my breast would be drained and softer for the procedure.
Honestly, I didn't feel much. The anesthetic wasn't bad (in your face, junkies!) and neither was the procedure. The worst part of the whole thing, besides knowing it was going to prove I had cancer, was the constant astonishment from the staff over "how well you're doing" because apparently I AM Superwoman (I knew that already). The doctor notified me during the procedure that the test results would be on her desk within 24 hours and that she would call me with them as soon as she had them. 
So with the procedure completed and my cancer tumor probably really pissed off at me for allowing it to be stabbed four times by a big scary looking sharp needle (its okay, I'm really pissed off at it for growing in my left tit), my husband and I paid my exorbitant bill  (over $2500 since the beginning of the week on medical bills alone) for the tests to confirm that I had something I pretty much knew I had, we decided that the news needed to be discussed over indian food and we set off for my favorite indian restaurant.
We talked about cancer while dining on a buffet of things such as saag paneer, aloo bengan, chicken tikka masala, naan, chicken korma and mango custard and sipping hot chai. I had decided not to be depressed about this whole thing because after all, depression doesn't make anyone better.
We went home and talked to the kids about the tests and what the doctor said. They were all positive and hopeful that the test results would show something that I knew they wouldn't. My parents were the same way  when I called to talk to them later that day.
By this time, my left breast was beginning to throb a little. I couldn't take anything that would harm my still breastfeeding child and I don't like to take acetominophen (liver damage risk) or ibuprofen (kidney and liver damage risk), though I did take some arnica about every 15 minutes for a few hours. It helped some.
And then the wait began...