The wisdom of a child knows no end

This will probably be my shortest blog yet and still one of the most powerful.
"I love my life", my five year old just said to me. The universe truly does work in mysterious ways because sometimes the most important messages are those that are brought through your children.
I love my life too, Sophie. I love my crazy, hectic, stressful, busy, funny, consciousness-altering life. I will be eternally thankful to you for reminding me of that.
And thank you, God, for the little blessings my children bestow on me every single day that I wake up and breathe on this earth.

Bounce your boobies, ladies. Its WBW!!!

So this blog is about how I am treading my way through cancer. However, let it be heard loud and clear, I am still a breastfeeding mom. Despite the stupid doctor telling me I'd have to quit nursing (he meant because of the treatments that I'm not taking) and despite some people I know looking at me strangely, I am still breastfeeding my 1 year old son and I will be until he decides to wean himself. So I celebrate World Breastfeeding Week by doing what I have been doing for the last 5+ years. Yes, I have been nursing for a child for over 5 years. My oldest daughter still nurses off and on (mostly off) and of course, there's that one year old kid I already mentioned.
Its weird being a breastfeeding mom with cancer. Its weirder being a cancer target (because I refuse to be labeled "victim") not going through chemo and radiation and surgery and all the other typical BS. Anyhow, there are times when I feel like yelling "Give me a freaking break, I have cancer", but then I worry about the looks I'll get from people who think I must be lying because I was just breastfeeding my baby or the looks from the other people who think I'm crazy for breastfeeding him while I have cancer. Either way, I get the looks.
Of course, I get those looks just for breastfeeding because in this society boobs are seen as being either for sex or as a science experiment for cancer drugs. I tweeted exactly what I believed not too long ago: "Boobs-For Infant and Toddler Use Only". Truthfully, it should have said "For Infant and Children's Use Only" because I am educated enough to know that breastfeeding can safely and intelligently extend beyond the toddler years and into the Pre-K years and maybe beyond. However, that is another topic for another blog.
However, you wish to celebrate and honor it, please do so. World Breastfeeding Week is for all breastfeeding moms, moms who used to breastfeed and those who were breastfed. If you can count to 2,000, you should probably thank your moms boobs for that.
Thanks, Mom, your boobs helped me succeed in life. And thanks, to my littlest one, who is probably the reason I found my cancer when I did.

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

At around 1:30pm the day after my needle biopsy, I received a call from the radiologist. It was definitely cancer. The results would be passed on to the ob/gyn who referred me for the tests and "he will be calling" to discuss my options. This was on a Thursday afternoon. I called my husband, my best friend and my parents to share the news. I spoke to the kids. My oldest daughter said to me "we'll get through this together". I love my kids. My best friend, Sarah, said "I love you". I have the very best friend I could ask for. My parents said they would pray for me. Somebody probably should.
I sat down that evening and wrote an email to the rest of my family and close friends. This might sound odd to some of you that I would tell my family about this news via email, but that's the way we share things. We have a pretty decent sized family and additionally, some of us are out of country and most don't live in the same areas together so its the easiest and best way for us to communicate news to everyone. Doing it the old fashioned way either means I get to make 35 phone calls or it gets played like a bad game of "Telephone" and by the end of it, I don't just have cancer, I died last week and the funeral is Saturday.
Here is that email: (for those who are curious)
Family and friends,

I write to you today to deliver news that some of you don't know, update those who do know and let you all in on my plans for the future. 

This week, I found out that I have breast cancer. This may shock you all, but I am not scared or even that surprised. From the moment I found the lump, I felt that it was cancer. However, this has been a wake-up call for me as to how I need to live out the remainder of my life which, by the way, should be a long time. I am going to see this as positive and take this opportunity to change some things in my life.

I will not be seeking the conventional treatments that most people think of when the word cancer is mentioned: surgery, chemotherapy and/or radiation. 

I know that many of you will not understand why I am not going to attempt any of these and though I could easily point you to hundreds of resources showing why these terribly toxic treatments are not a good idea for anyone, some of you would point to just as many cases of breast cancer survivors who survived chemo and/or surgery and/or radiation. This is not an argument I want to have with anyone though if you can hear my views without judgment, I would be willing to speak with any of you about it. You should know that I completely believe in my body's ability to heal itself, given the chance and support to do so. 

Most of you know that I am not a religious person and haven't been for a very long time. Some of you know, however, that I am very spiritual and have always felt that my life was guided by the universe (or God or whatever you may choose to call it). I have always trusted that I am never given more than I can handle and that every hardship holds a lesson to be learned. I believe that I am always given the tools to handle these hardships and that this time is no different. I realize that we all have different philosophical views and feelings, and we all have fears about certain things. I also understand that some of us have completely opposing viewpoints regarding medicine and alternative therapies. I am not asking you to change your views or to agree with mine. I do not ask that you turn your back on what you trust for yourself. We do not need to agree in order for you to respect my choices. Therefore I simply ask that you send/show your love and support, regardless of your personal feelings about what I am doing with my body. I also ask that if your worries or feelings about this situation alter your ability to remain supportive that you simply follow the old adage "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". 

I firmly believe that my choices in my life have resulted in my cancer, though do not mistake this as me harboring blame (which is just additional negativity that will hurt me). Through the power of the universe, I also fully believe that I have the ability to heal without conventional medicine therapies. Despite all of this, I need to make it abundantly clear that I will have an easier time healing (regardless of the means in which I do so) if I am surrounded by love and support than if I bombarded by further negativity and fear.

Thank you, in advance, for any of concern, thoughts and prayers. I love you all and wish that you go forth with good health of your own. I know that some members of our family have had their own hardships recently and my heart and good wishes are with those of you as you find your own way through troubled waters.

Tana

It'll only hurt for a minute (or a few days)

So I agreed to the needle biopsy and the staff prepped me for it by telling me how much it was going to hurt and how much I would bruise and how local anesthetics would only keep it from hurting "as much". That's soothing and all, of course, but I would have preferred to hear lies, naturally. I prepped myself by allowing my son to eat so my breast would be drained and softer for the procedure.
Honestly, I didn't feel much. The anesthetic wasn't bad (in your face, junkies!) and neither was the procedure. The worst part of the whole thing, besides knowing it was going to prove I had cancer, was the constant astonishment from the staff over "how well you're doing" because apparently I AM Superwoman (I knew that already). The doctor notified me during the procedure that the test results would be on her desk within 24 hours and that she would call me with them as soon as she had them. 
So with the procedure completed and my cancer tumor probably really pissed off at me for allowing it to be stabbed four times by a big scary looking sharp needle (its okay, I'm really pissed off at it for growing in my left tit), my husband and I paid my exorbitant bill  (over $2500 since the beginning of the week on medical bills alone) for the tests to confirm that I had something I pretty much knew I had, we decided that the news needed to be discussed over indian food and we set off for my favorite indian restaurant.
We talked about cancer while dining on a buffet of things such as saag paneer, aloo bengan, chicken tikka masala, naan, chicken korma and mango custard and sipping hot chai. I had decided not to be depressed about this whole thing because after all, depression doesn't make anyone better.
We went home and talked to the kids about the tests and what the doctor said. They were all positive and hopeful that the test results would show something that I knew they wouldn't. My parents were the same way  when I called to talk to them later that day.
By this time, my left breast was beginning to throb a little. I couldn't take anything that would harm my still breastfeeding child and I don't like to take acetominophen (liver damage risk) or ibuprofen (kidney and liver damage risk), though I did take some arnica about every 15 minutes for a few hours. It helped some.
And then the wait began...

Mammograms, sonograms and needle biopsies, oh my!

Wednesday, June 27th, Shane and I got up, showered, got dressed, all that jazz, and headed to the facility where I would receive my tests. I sat in yet another office for about 45 minutes, during which I nursed my littlest one and chatted with my husband. I was glad for the company and the distraction from what would become one of the worst days in my life.
Eventually I was escorted to the back, my husband and youngest son left out in the waiting room. I changed my top into one of those lovely open front half gowns and waited for the tech to radiograph my left breast. She led me into the dark and gloomy xray room and proceeded to take 2 types of images of my left breast. The entire time I prayed for my cells to be protected from the harmful radiation and that it would only cause damage to the tumor, if anything.
The tech then attempted to xray my right breast. The breast where there was no palpable tumor. The breast that was not even mentioned when I had spoken to the doctor about what tests he had scheduled for me at the radiologist's office-"Mammogram and sonogram of the left breast". The breast that I did not want exposed to radiation, since it has been shown to be a possible cause of cancer-the thing I am trying to avoid having. The tech informed me that I "have to have the right one done". She, apparently, did not know who she was dealing with. Note to medical staff...NEVER tell a patient, especially a distraught one, that they have to do anything. It just makes you look like an unconcerned douchebag.
I continued to refuse the right breast mammogram, explaining my reasons and even stated that I wouldn't have had my left breast irradiated if I had known that it was "all or nothing". The tech, after rolling her eyes at me, and sounding quite obviously irritated, told me to wait in the dressing room while she spoke with the office manager.
A few minutes later a blonde, middle aged nurse came into the room and informed me that it was in my best interest to have both breasts xrayed and that the doctors had both agreed that this was what I would have. She also mistakenly told me that the amount of radiation in an xray was "not harmful"(her words). "Scientists agree that there is no safe dose of radiation. Cellular DNA in the breast is more easily damaged by very small doses of radiation than thyroid tissue or bone marrow; in fact, breast cells are second only to fetal tissues in sensitivity to radiation. And the younger the breast cells, the more easily their DNA is damaged by radiation. As an added risk, one percent of American women carry a hard-to-detect oncogene which is triggered by radiation; a single mammogram increases their risk of breast cancer by a factor of 4-6 times."(http://www.susunweed.com/herbal_ezine/July07/anti-cancer.htm)
I informed her, through my now frustrated tears, that I would not agree to the right breast xray and that I didn't even truly feel I needed either breast xrayed since I understood that sonogram was the most effective means to detecting tumors in a lactating breast. I also told her that if this office did not want to continue with the exam without doing the right breast mammogram that I was quite sure I could find a place that would. She asked me to wait while she went to speak with the doctor. As she left, she handed me a box of tissue. At least, unlike the tech, she was not rude. So I waited.
Next came in the radiologist who was a female physician, and explained her position on it. I told her that I did not intend on treating this, if it is cancer, the "conventional" way with chemo and surgery and radiation. I said that since I would be treating is holistically, through various methods, I only needed to know if that was actually what is in my body, not how many places it existed inside of me. She said that she was concerned for me and thought I needed the other xray, but that she also saw that I didn't need any more stress and agreed to continue with no mammogram on the right plus a sonogram and a needle biopsy if necessary. I agreed to that and we proceeded without further incident.
After the mammogram and sonogram were completed, my husband was brought from the waiting room with my littlest one so he could not only be in on the doctor's findings thus far, but also so that I could nurse him if needed.
The radiologist came in and let us know that it looked like cancer. She said there was a tiny remote possibility that it was a severe mastitis (I think she said this only to make me feel better-which it didn't) and that I should have the needle biopsy to have it confirmed. Although I am normally anti-invasive tests and anti-treatment when its not holistic (except in some emergencies), I agreed to this simply because I knew that with seven children, a husband and parents who were worried about me, I had to be 100% sure. Not many people would trust my gut feeling and the doctor's near certainty. I was only going to allow the doctor to biopsy one area since I felt it didn't matter what type of cancer the other small lumps in my breast were or if there was also cancer in the two suspicious lymph nodes in my left armpit. I didn't want this invasive test to be any more invasive to my already taxed immune system that it was going to be.

Unlike Arnold from 'Kindergarten Cop', it IS a tumor.

I went to see the gynecologist on June 25, approximately two months after I found my lump. My appointment was at 3:30pm. I sat in the waiting room for about an hour before being called back. In other words, sadly, it was a typical doctor's office.
After being taken back and weighed and my blood pressure measured, I was taken to the doctor's office. I always feel this is a nice touch when going to any doctor, for the first time, who will be looking at and touching my genitalia. The medical assistant announced the doctor would come talk to me first and then he'd examine me.
I waited for an additional hour when finally, having read every magazine in his office (along with every plaque adorning his walls), the doctor sat down across from me. We spoke about my history and I was actually impressed that he not only apologized for me waiting so long, but that he was actually thorough in obtaining my history. He scored points on that one.
When he finished finding all there was to know about me, the five children I've birthed, the one I lost, (my two step-kids are seen as irrelevant in my health history, obviously) the number of times I've breastfed, the fact that I'm still nursing my one year old, the fibrocystic tumor history, etc, he walked me to an exam room. Other than staff and the doctor, I was literally the only person in the office (Shane was in the waiting room).
The doctor did a very thorough job of examining my breast and of talking to me about possibilities of cancer versus adenoma. He was extremely concerned about the dimpling, as well as that the mass was irregular in shape and very close to the chest wall. See, I told you it was cancer.
He wanted me to have a mammogram and a sonogram. He referred me to the clinic a few doors down from his that would perform this. He also stated that even though I was almost due for my period and that sometimes it was better to wait for mammograms, etc until after your cycle because of thickening that naturally occurs, he wanted me to have it before the week ended. He told me that he would call and talk to the radiologist where he was sending me and that he'd call me within a day or two with an appointment time.
If I hadn't already been sure it was cancer, this would have sparked my suspicion due to the rush-rush attitude he had. He called me less the next day (which was a Tuesday) and told me the appointment was set for the next morning at 8:30am. Its always a pleasure to start out your day with a good booby squishing.
Oh, and let me add....we had no idea how much this was going to cost. I planned to take at least $500 with me.

Thank the universe for Planned Parenthood

I went to my appointment at Planned Parenthood, knowing they would not be able to do anything for me other than send me somewhere else. That might sound strange-like wasted time and money for a wife and mother of 7, or pointless, but I knew they could help me figure out where to go to get the additional testing I knew I would need to verify that my body was allowing the growth of something dangerous and foreign within its walls. Security had been breached and I needed to verify the identity of my enemy in order to snuff it out.
I saw a lovely nurse practitioner who performed the exam and agreed that I had a suspicious lump. She thought it might just be fibrocystic changes since I'd had that when I was just 19 (had a tumor removed then as well-luckily that time benign). I just knew she was wrong, but didn't bother to tell her that. Anyway, she did want me to have it checked further since I am 39, after all and nearing the "cancer age". She didn't say that, of course, it just seems like its the truth-"Oh you're 'almost 40', so your risk is low, but becoming more present" and that kind of thing. She wrote a referral and the front office staff gave me a list of doctors who would offer one kind of discount or another for their services in return for me being a cash paying patient. 
I took the list home and noticed that there was one that stood out. A doctor at a nearby hospital-meaning all test could be done right in or near his office-was the one I chose. I had to wait to make an appointment because like a lot of people in this country without insurance, illness doesn't always strike on payday.

I found a lump

It was an ordinary day. In other words, I was overtired, stressed and it was early evening before I was able to take a shower. The school year was coming to a close and dance recital was coming up. We hadn't had a single weekend without at least one kid involved in a dance event ore a school event.

I suck at taking care of myself. This is something everyone close to me knows about me and its something I freely admit, though you wouldn't have found me doing anything about it in the past. That was all about to change. I hadn't done a self breast exam, officially, in probably over a year and half (or prior to my most recent pregnancy) and I don't believe in yearly well woman checks. I figure every 2 years is enough for me. At this point, with still being a breastfeeding mom, I handled my boobs often enough throughout the day that I didn't feel the need to stop and perform an actual breast exam. Silly me. 

As I stepped into the shower, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I try not to do this since, like many women my age, who've bore children, I don't like my body and I could stand to lose about 40 pounds. However, this time, as I stopped to actually stare at myself, I cringed, not because of my low self image, but because of what I noticed for the first time. Along the left side of my left breast, I noticed a dimpling. I felt the area and noticed a lump. Despite being a nurse, I called my husband in for a second opinion of what I was feeling. He agreed that the dimpling I saw was not positional (it didn't disappear completely no matter how I moved) and that I was definitely feeling something underneath. 

I knew immediately it was cancer. This was not random paranoia, it was a gut feeling. My gut feelings, though I don't stop to try and listen to them near enough, are rarely wrong. Not to mention that, like most health professionals, sometimes I know too much to remain calm. My husband, Shane, and I spoke about how I would make an appointment to check it out. 

I called within a couple of days (did I mention I suck at taking care of myself?) and scheduled an appointment at the Planned Parenthood of North Texas clinic near me. I knew I could get a well woman exam there, including the breast exam and that since we have no insurance, they could help me refer me to a doctor for testing, if that needed to happen, who would probably be low cost. I had to put the appointment off for a couple of weeks due to our car needing some repairs and some of the kids having some school events for which I needed to be present. 

The "don't come after me" mumbo jumbo

Let me start by stating the obvious, and stupid, legal crap that usually needs to be said to prevent selfish, money hungry morons from trying their hands at lawsuits. This is my blog, my story. Its about how I will beat the cancer that decided to take root in my body and grow in an interfering way. I decided to do what I am doing (avoiding "conventional" medical treatments) because I am a bachelor-degreed, registered nurse, I am intelligent and experience in life, I did my own research and talked to lots of people. I did not make any of my decisions lightly and even when I talk about how the treatments are (or possibly aren't) working for me, I am in no way endorsing (or even discouraging the use of) anything. This is simply me telling my story and how things are going with my body and my cancer. If anyone else out there happens to want to try what I am doing then that is your choice and I hope you made it wisely.
I hope anyone diagnosed with any illness does their own research on how to treat it because no matter what religion you follow (or don't follow, for that matter), it is my personal belief that there is only one higher being and his/her name doesn't begin with "Dr.".
On a second note, I cuss like a sailor (no offense meant by the expression). In the interest of wanting my family to read this, I'll try to curtail my habit, but no promises because after all, this is cancer I'm dealing with and I think I have a right to be emotional. You've been warned...